Petrov van der Deathface

Okay, we get it. Deathface allegedly single-handedly wiped out no less than twenty two Kops in the Battle of Quillian Square. Deathface has a kill count greater than every other First Quartile soldier's, combined. We get it, Deathface was a legendary war hero. The glory of his mustache rivaled that of Mustachius, the highest of the mustache dieties. But have you ever stopped to think about how ridiculous those stories are? One single man, accomplishing all Deathface did in his tragically short-lived life? It's preposterous! The man named Petrov van der Deathface is nothing but a sham, a marketing ploy to sell more t-shirts!

Not convinced? Then perhaps consider the fact that Deathface does not have a face. Everyone knows that real people have faces. Therefore, Petrov van der Deathface is not a real person. Q. E. Motherfucking. D.

Grab a copy of the Doctrine of Imbalance from your local library and give it a read. It explicitly states in there that Deathface is but a myth. Or something similar, anyways. Point is, you've all been had! Open your eyes and don't give into this scam!

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~ Ersatz Scrivener