Battle of Quillian Square

Quillian Square: birthplace of the "Sloppy Joe" and hometown of military general Septimus the Eighth. Now a destitute nuclear wasteland, thanks to some kids and a personal grudge. Since I don't get paid enough to cover any of the important battles, I'll take the opportunity to set the facts straight on what did and did not happen in the Battle of Quillian Square.

What happened?

• The square was ransacked by a group of mechanized infants known as the Kindergarten Kops. It is unclear what the motive was behind the attack, but expert witness "Sloppy" Joe believes it was a pitiful attempt to challenge the monopoly of the Sloppy Joe on the sandwich market.

• The Battle of Quillian Square featured the first, and only, ever recorded use of gattling ducks in military warfare.

What did not happen?

• First Quartile military control was not reduced in Quillian Square or any surrounding area as a result of the battle.

• Radiation from the battle has not had any affect on the nutritional value of Sloppy Joes.

The Battle of Quillian Square saw a great, thriving town reduced to rubble and ruins, although sources suggest you can still purchase a Sloppy Joe from Sloppy Joe's, only 5.99!

This article was not sponsored in any way by Sloppy Joe's Sloppy Joe sandwiches, the official sandwich of the 13th annual Quadrant Cup.

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~ Khan, Alexandra